The Girl with the White Scar

Disclaimer: All the characters in the story written below are as real as they could be, from, yes, the Adult World (which sucks). This is based on a personal experience, and I hope the reader would relate. This is my story, right from the pages of my childhood. 

It dates back to my childhood probably 8-9 years back, when I was approximately 8-9 years old (my memory fails me here) when we were having dinner. I was happily munching away my food and tomatoes with pickle (yes, that was a big deal that time. I had recently been operated of tonsils and the years before, I had been forbidden to eat pickle and citrus stuff, for it made me ill with coughing). Finally, they were out. Phew. Now I could eat, Kurkure and Lays and those bright shiny sour stuff everyone bought from the canteen.

Suddenly, my mom noticed a certain white patch on my neck and below my lips. She asked my Dad if he saw this, and I don’t even remember what he replied :P.

The innocent me, did not know, that very moment about what was going to follow.

The following week, they kind of put me under their microscopic eyes, touching and photographing my neck and lower lips trying to know if it was a white patch or my skin color. Yes, they did spot a scar. “Now, what?” was the only thing I remembered  mumbling.

The next day, they took me to a homeopathic doctor, who said that maybe I had caught an allergy by eating ‘Discontinuos Food stuff’ (I hope you know, you cannot eat cucumber after milk, or coffee and omelette and crazy combinations in Indian households). I took the medicine and nothing happened. It increased.

My Mom was in a havoc now. God, something on a face is truly horrendous in Indian households.

They took me to another doctor, an allopathic one. The *insert a slang adjective* Doctor gave the 10 year old me steroids and stuff to combat the spot, and it upset my hormones (continuing till now) which resulted in hair growth in body parts (another Hawwwwww for us girls).

Yeah. Embarrassing.

By this time, I was totally exhausted because of taking medicines and waiting for doctors. Now my parents took me to a reputed doctor in Jaipur.

I remember the  appointment distinctively. The doctor was old and sweet enough. He asked me what I felt about my ‘scar’. I kept quiet. I had not developed a feeling for it till now. Neither shame, nor anything. It wasn’t too visible (though it was, but I chose not to believe that). I just wanted to get the hell out of there. The doctor told us there was no particular reason why the white spot happened, and it was all my ‘ill luck’. Also, I should ‘Pray to the God to make this vanish’ everytime I take medicine.

These were just a few initial visits. 

Now, not to make this post that big enough, in a single paragraph I’ll sum up what happened.

Frequent visits to different doctors. Every random person who met me on the street and would see my spot, would tell my parents that they knew a doctor/a baba/a pandit who would treat it “guaranteed 100%” Everyone would give different ideas and medications over how I should cure this. Random people in buses and trains would ask my parents how much I had “suffered” and if I was taking any medication! They did not make fun of me or anything, but what bothered me was, why were they asking me?

Why were all those questions always related to the white spot on my neck? Why weren’t they about my education or where I studied? Maybe they got kinda worried and wanted to offer advice, but, yes, I got embarrassed. I still do. 

Then, food. In order to stop the secretion “of whatever aided the white spot” in my body, I was forbidden from eating everything that had Vitamin C. Yes, everything. Lemon, tomato , pickle, pizza, mango, orange, tomato ketchup, every thing. I did not eat all of this for 6-7 years (except a family function or outing). I have started eating them now because ‘F*** everything’.

Now, when the younger me was forbidden from eating everything my aged people ate, I had this tendency to ask “Why?”. Not that “why did it happen to me?” (Honestly, I’ve never asked this. I accepted it. Always). I asked “Why do I have to stop eating stuff to stop this scar? Why can’t I let it be?”.

My mother, just like every Indian mother used to answer ‘People won’t marry you because you have a scar’. Oh, I used to get offended saying ‘What is wrong with me?’ and that ‘I ll marry someone who doesn’t care for this’  That was bullshit, right?

No.

 As I grew up, I observed, people did care for the scar. Not that they body shamed me or did not want to talk to me, but it never went unnoticed. People remembered me for it. People identified me for it. Unknowningly, it became a part of my identity. A random incident, which I remember was, someone praising me for the beautiful eyes I have and how I look cute, and I over heard the other one saying “But she has that scar. ”

Yes. It happened. 

I wasn’t sad or all in tears, but it amazed me. Were people that lost in the abstract concept of beauty?

People have had worse diseases and spots. And experiences worse than what has occurred with me. 

I did not go into depression, nor did I felt myself any less. I did not doubt my beauty or my looks or any qualities for that matter. But, what affected me were, PEOPLE.

How they remembered looking a ‘girl with a white patch’ to how they constantly asked ‘how many years did you suffer’.

Naah. Dude. I did not suffer anything. This is just a small (thankfully) spot. 

People have it all over their bodies.

And what pains is, not the spot, but how the ‘Spot’ is turned to a ‘Scar’ just because of how the World reacts to it.

I can only feel how people who have it in larger quantity must have felt. 

So, to everyone who knows me or someone who has any ailment, please remember them by their name, university, or  deeds. You may also remember me by ‘The girl with the white spot on the neck’ but not just by this phrase. Kindly add an adjective to my appearance or my personality, a bit more than just the ‘White SCAR’.

Cheers to the beautiful song by Alessia Cara “Scars to your Beautiful”

But there’s a hope that’s waiting for you in the dark

You should know you’re beautiful just the way you are

And you don’t have to change a thing, the world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful”

From

The Girl with the White Spot

And also

Arunima. 

Picture Credits: Google image

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All about Salaries

So, this weekend I had a trip to Bharatpur (Rajasthan) + Fatehpur Sikri (U.P) + Mathura (U.P.)

It was a 2 day trip where we covered all these places.

Now when you have to roam about, the whole day, and take atleast 100 pictures of the historic monument (read- yourself), you have to save your battery and not plunge into random social media sites.

So, while I was away from everything, I started observing the people around me and put my brain into thinking.

One utterly random thing I was doing was, calculating how much random people, we took services from, earned.

1. TATA Magic Ride (20km, Bharatpur to Fatehpur Sikri)

Cost per person= ₹20/-

No. Of persons he had in one trip = 10 (coz India)

No. Of trips he must be taking in a day= 10

In a month if he works 25 days, 

By calculation = 25 * 10 * 10 * 20 amounts to roughly 50000/-

But, realistically, my father says he might not even earn 8000/- per month, as he needs to pay for the rent (if his vehicle is rented), road tax, commercial vehicle registration, diesel and blah.

Anyway, if we take an ideal statistical condition, I found out that he might, still roughly earn 40,000- 45,000 which is good.

2. Old ladies selling Jhunjhuna made by Sarkanda (a wooden stick)

Rs 20/- per piece

Production cost- Not much as these wooden sticks are found in the forest area. They just have to weave it.

All that it looked, she sold about 20 a day. 

And if she worked for 25 days

20 * 25 * 20 = 10,000 /- 

Not pretty much.

3. Tourist Guides

About ₹35/- for 45 min of him showing us around the monument.

He must be doing this for about 10-15 people. 

So, let’s roughly take 12 people.

Working 25 days a month.

12*25*35= Roughly 10,500/-

Not pretty much.

4. Rickshaw drivers + tourist guide for Keoledeo National Park.

They take ₹150/- per hour. (They drive extremely slowly in the first hour)

Anyway, a tourist will atleast take 2hrs in a trip (even if they do not complete the whole traversing the park).

And, a simple talk with the rikshaw wala told us that he took 6-7 rounds in a day.

6*2 = 12 hrs per day. (On a minimum)

Working 25 days a month.

25*12*150 = Roughly ₹ 45000/-

(they were hired by the park authorities, so no extra charge to enter the national park)

5. Dosa stall near a mandir premises in Mathura

Now, while I was eating there, it was roughly occupied by 25 people. And ‘atleast 20 of them must be eating a dosa, costing 60/- each. Assuming on the very least he must be feeding 100 people in a day, for 25 days a month

Roughly

₹1,20,000

But, the production costs, the rent of the shop in those busy roads, paying the servants etc. So, I have no idea about how much he must be getting but, the shop on a whole must be earning around 1L.

But

With a huge,” But”

These earnings of everyone present here depends on

  • The tourist inflow (the crowd of people visiting that particular place)
  • How many days they work. (If they are ill and cannot work for a day, will result in a loss)

The first factor, is a huge determinant of their earnings and are not at all constant, not even for a day.

The calculations I have done, on taking almost the same number of customers for 25 days, can prove to be wrong.

The last example

Bhel puri seller, selling in trains

Now, the trains are constant (obviously the schedules are constant). They are ALWAYS filled with customers.

The train, I was in, was late by 3 hours. This Bhel puri wala comes as a saviour just on the dinner time, and actually fed 35 persons in our coach, at 20/- per plate.

It wouldn’t be wrong to assume he had fed 100 people (he himself was claiming this fact) , just in our train.

He told us, he goes to atleast 5-8 trains in a day or even more. 

His bhel puris were selling out fast, and if you ask the production cost, it won’t be even ₹5/- per plate (as the tomato, onion and other things we bought, were in bulk and the amount he put them in a small plate, were veryyyy less)

So, he earns 15/- on a plate, feeding approx 400 people (on the very least) in a day, and 25 days a month

Roughly amounts to

1,50,000/-

Damn.

And well, if he can move to work for 25 days, he will earn more than a lac (as it seems so) with the train passengers being a constant number.

What, exactly am I doing with my life?

*Sobs in a corner*

Do we judge too quickly? : Zaira Wasim controversy

Disclaimer: Hope the reader reading this, has gone through the molestation controversy of Zaira Wasim. I write blunt. You might get offended. I will address your views, all I hope is no foul language, or bashing me all over my head. It’s just my view, respect it or argue it and keep your points politely just the way it should be done.

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So, what happened was, that suddenly we get a live footage (courtesy: instagram) of our Dangal girl, crying, that she was molestated, and ‘this isn’t done’, how ‘women should stand for themselves’ coz we know the world is a cruel place, for us who have vaginas.

Alright. I was concerned. Honestly. Upon revealing the whole matter, it turns out that there was a man sitting behind her, whose leg reached her arm rest (we Indians do sleep that way) and touched her back or neck. She felt molested. She took to instagram to revolt.

The man got arrested and his wife claims that he was too tired and it was all a matter of tiredness as he had not slept for 2 days.

Umm. Lets start on the loopholes.

Now,if I am traveling and I get a passenger who isn’t sleeping in a very good posture,and it is concerning my safety/respect, I would ask him to sit straight. If he does not work upon my request, I would tell the transport authorities (in this case, airport staff). 

Why did she not do this?

For once,maybe she had. But as far as the reports claim, she did not.

The man who was arrested says that he had gone to a funeral, thus was tired. He did not know (happens) that his leg, created disturbance. Once he came to, he apologized. That’s it. 

He had asked the airport staff not to wake him up, even for breakfast and the airport staff has confirmed.

His co passenger also gave a statement saying he was sound asleep for over 1.5 hrs.

Now, if I say “Zaira was not molestated. This just happened by chance” , I would get bashed because, well, “Girl, you weren’t present there to judge.”

Then, I guess, no one who’s been bashing the man (in fact, the whole clan of men) wasn’t present too.

Me being an ordinary citizen, not present there, cannot comment whether this was a molestation or not! Let the court decide that. Fair enough?

So, why this article? If I am not taking any side,then why this?

This is simply, to tell you,dear readers, not to take sides.

For once,imagine, if seriously the man was so soundly asleep that he did not get to know he was probably ‘molesting’ someone. What if, he was just tired and his foot rubbed her back? Was he given a chance to say anything?

If, that is the case, then would I be termed as ‘molesting the guy next to me’ if I bump into the him, in the bus, while it takes a sharp turn? Or does men not face harassment?

What if this was just a misunderstanding and because of all the upheaval that has risen, this man, who supports a family loses his job?

Umm,  I read an incident on Quora. There was this man, who was standing in a local bus. Suddenly the brakes were applied, and the bus, suddenly halted. He, naturally lost balance, but, unfortunately his hand rested on someone’s breast. Everyone started beating him up. The news spread like wild fire. His job was taken away. He had to shift in another city. 

Outcome: He now always keeps his hands in pockets and avoids women.

Now, don’t you think in a hurry to ‘act quick’ against these molestation, we ‘judge quick’ too!

Without even giving it a thought, that our wrong judgement can scar someone’s life. People will remember him as a ‘criminal’ even if he is found ‘not guilty’. After all, we know that our society always remembers the negative things and spreads them like wild fire, completely oblivious to the positive facts.

Victim shaming is bad. But ‘Not found guilty, yet shamed’ is worse.

I am, not saying Zaira wasnt molestated. I am just opening up another tunnel, saying ‘May be, just, may be, she wasn’t molestated’ and this is a misunderstanding. Then, isn’t this man and his family punished for life?

Let’s leave it on the court to decide that.

All that it is, we should make sure that we do not judge too quickly, without checking up on facts, and please report nearby if you find yourself uncomfortable (so that appropriate action can be taken) rather on the social media.

Let’s hope that in a bid to ‘Save women from harassment’ we are not ‘Harassing our men’ by seeing them as a potential molester every single time. 

Feminism: Overrated

Disclaimer: The views are solely mine. Do not abandon reading the article just because a ‘female’ wrote it and you expect large amounts of feminism dripping from the words. Naah. I am sorta anti-feminist. And I have my own rules regarding that.

Read on to find out. And do comment your own views. With love- A girl who writes blunt.

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Bollywood and Hindi TV series had set some high standards for men (in my mind). That’s why, when I went on normal food binges and hangouts with guys (after turning 17) I was disappointed.

Damn, they weren’t like I had seen in the flicks. At all.

He did not pull my chair. He did not ask to take up my jacket which I was carrying. I remember going on the city trip, just after landing in college. The college bus was overloaded by guys. And hell, not one of them stood up to offer me his seat.

Yuck! That wasn’t the world I had read in books. These weren’t the guys I had been dreaming about all along.

So, one evening, with a cup of tea in my hand and over thinking in my mind..I thought!

Did I push the restaurant door or hold onto it till he entered? 

Well, it had to be his sign of respect for me? But should, I not, also, give him *this* kind of respect!

Alright. One part of these so called restaurant rules is chivalry also. Men should be chivalrous. As in, they should let their lady love enter first or pull out their chairs or whatsoever.

But, what chivalry is to men, gracefulness/shyness/feminity is to women.
Now, if we ask you (my dear female reader) to be feminine and a bit quiet, shy you’d not agree. You’d blandly ask that why can’t I be badass and smart and have a masculine tinge?

Well, same for men. Why are they expected to be chivalrous every single time? Why can’t, we as women have that kinda actions?

Well. This may be getting a bit complicated. I’d now like to highlight the hypocrisy of the so called feminist all around.

There was a video from a famous entertainment website. The girls, proudly showcasing themselves as feminist (or male bashers in other words) spoke the following lines:

” What is with this beard of yours? Why can’t you trim it”

“Why do you judge us when we wear make up? It is, after all, our choice”

“Why do you keep shouting in the cricket matches”

“Why are you so arrogant and have ego”

Etcetera.

Umm. Okay.

You want them to trim their beard. Why? It’s their face. Their make up.

They shout during cricket match. And if you shout a big ‘Awwwwwwwww’ while meeting your bestie, then? What if they gotta problem with that? Naaahhh. You’d start a whole saga saying ‘Mah lyf. Mah rulezzz’

They are arrogant and egoistic. Why are you feminist, cutie pie? You aren’t any less, trust me.

So, you are a Daddy’s princess. But if he’s a momma’s boy, it isn’t very good. Is it?

So, if you look for a guy having ‘atleast 20LPA and a big house’ that’s okay, but if he looks for a ‘fair toned girl, who can Cook’ it’s devastating and omfg so evil!

So, if a guy looks at you, first of all if he’s cute then you’d be blushing and if he’d be not so good looking, you’d be ‘hashtag men are assholes’. Also, it won’t absolutely be any problem if you are checking out men!

If you want gym and tonned abs, that’s fine, hut if he even hints at your weight that’s highly disgraceful and you’d question him ‘He’s for your looks and sex. It ain’t love’

So what if you abuse him during a fight. But if he, by any mistake does that, he is harassing you.

Alright. I’d stop right here.

All I want to say, dear women, do not misinterpret feminism for male bashing.

The feminism I believe in, teaches me just a single thing. Equality.

And, you can ask my male friend, how many times I have paid the restaurant bills when we ate out together.

Not only this, I have held out doors for him too.

And the most hilarious one, I’ve asked a guy if he wants my sweatshirt because he was cold (though mine couldn’t fit him).

And yes, I’ve not expected men traveling with me to pick up my bags.

What I want to say is, let’s just promote equality.

Let’s not say, men are arrogant when we ourselves hide our anger under the sign board ‘PMS’.

Let’s not shout ‘women are as equal. Physically too’ and then expect them to pick up bags.

Let’s not judge them on the basis of what they earn when we do not want to be judged on the basis of how we look.

Let’s not expect them to pay for every meal if they are our boyfriend or even a male friend.

Let’s just be equal.

After all, feminism, I feel is about equality. In every aspect. Even in the fact that you will, as a female, give up your metro seat for a guy if he needs.

I’m sorta anti-feminist. But also feminist on the rules I believe.

Just like the double standards here, there are some in our lives (as females) also, which I’d talk about, in another post.

Till then, let’s just absorb the blunt truth I wrote above.

Sayonara.

Against “Crackerless Diwali”

I write about social issues. Issues that are usually the burning topic in the market and discuss it right here.

So, today, I mean, this post is all about another ‘burning’ (oops, pollution, sorry) topic – Crackerless Diwali.

I’ve been holding onto long. Today, I’ll let it all go. Now, obviously you are expecting this blog to be ‘mature’ and ‘environment friendly’ one, but naaahhh, this is just gonna be a rant from a girl who literally waits all year long for the light and show (of crackers).

To start with, how I celebrated diwali? Well, childhood was all about diya, diwali and lights. My joint family included, us, 5 sisters and we loved them. The crackers. Right from Dhanteras to Bhai Dooj, we divided crackers and bursted them. One of us did turn to ‘environmentalist’ last two three years, but hell yeah, we loved to burst them.

The environment issue did creep in, so we started reducing their amount, from 5 days to just 1 day (until last year). We had ladis and flower pot (which we used to put 10 in a line and light them altogether) as well as singing “Happy Diwali” while burning Fooljhadis.
The childhood memories and happiness were all contained and multiplied along with the whistling rockets and burning diyas.

Now? Full stop?

Alright. This issue is legit. Pets are harmed. Old people are harmed. And all in all, environment, our mother nature is polluted to a great extent.

But, a simple question. How many times in a year, exactly, do you think about air pollution?

Well, did you think about the pollution and smoke we are burning due to vehicles? (Naaah. You never even used a public transport. All you cared about was your own vehicle).

Did you think about the crackers you were bursting on New year eve? (Trust me, they are at par with the amount on diwali).

Did you think about air pollution due to smoking? (Naah. Being High is being cool, eh?)

Not to forget, did you think about the noise and air pollution from baarat (indian wedding proceedings)? (The amount at which people are marrying is fast. And they burn crackers to celebrate their shaadi!)

Now, my cute little homo sapien, you never thought of the air pollution all around the year (don’t lie. I know, you didn’t)! Then why are you proudly showcasing ‘hashtag Crackerless Diwali’ all around social media platforms and bashing those who support Crackers?

Well, I know a great deal of air and nature is harmed. And we need to celebrate festivals for celebration and not destruction. But don’t you think banning it all together is a little too over board? We can always put limits (like we’ve put a ban) and to people (proudly flashing ‘hashtag Crackerless diwali’ ) can always ban them at their personal level.

Why do we have to ban crackers on the exact ‘Diwali’ day when we pollute our environment, nevertheless, other 364 days a year?

If we are banning crackers, then why not ban every culture of every religion that harms nature and animals?
I think, we can atleast take that much liberty to follow and enjoy our culture (without any bans) but in *limits*.

Anyway, I know I’m gonna be bashed for writing this. All the views are welcomed in the comment section. Please accept my views and I’ll accept yours.

Happy Diwali. Enjoy it.

Img : Because I love the sparkle and lights!

Less is More

I’ve been questioned quite a lot of times that I have ‘less friends’. Less friends equal to less fun, they say. 

There are times when all of the little friends I have are busy. And I’m on my bed, alone, feeling lonely and a bit sad. Yes, that’s the time I feel I have less friends.

But the other times. I am happy, they are less. Now, my dear reader, you might be thinking, why this?

Why this blog post where I am ranting about friends?

It is because, this is a widespread phenomenon and thinking,that people should have more friends, a group of friends to help when needed or for fun nevertheless. And this blog post is just to bring you out from the ‘confusion’, I guess. Also the confusion people have that ‘I do not get along with many people. So I have less friends’.

They said I have less friends,

They didn’t see, how much I love the few I have.

They said, I had less fun

They didn’t see how much happy I was with the less fun I had.

They said I will have less help when I required,

They didn’t see, that the few who love me would be present.

They based all these arguments on the point ‘Thats why you are lonely’

They didn’t see, how less and temporary that was in a month.

They didn’t see the quality of friends I had, no matter they did break my heart sometimes!

They didn’t see that the number of heartbreaks were way less

They didn’t see how much I loved the few I had and I didn’t want more to love.

They didn’t see that few people deserved the kind of love I gave my friends

Because they were too entangled in the ‘You should have more friends’ dilemma!

They acted like they don’t know me, because for people who know

Know the meaning that lies in the friendship I have

Because, for them, having less friends meant I had no fun in my life

They didn’t see how my friends would never let me go, the ‘Few Friends I Have’!

They didn’t see the fact that I wanted Friends for Life and not Friends for Fun.

Because, they were still caught in the stereotypical FUN FRIENDS!

PS: The ‘FRIENDS’ poster is just to lure you to read. 😛 

Menstruation Leaves

Well, the burning topic of 2017. Menstruation Leaves aka Giving holidays to women on period.

I know everyone supports it and those you don’t are met with ‘fire and fury’, still, I would pour down my views because “My Blog, My views”.

I do not support Menstruation Leaves. Period (Full stop). Before you could bombard me with angry eyes, I say, I am a woman and I have literally had the worst periods.

I started on this ‘bloody’ journey when I was 11. I had no fuckin clue about it. Well, yes, No clue. I remember crying all day. My mother comforted me. I remember, asking her if I could miss the school next day. After all, periods can be embarrassing for a girl who did not have a clue about how to manage them. But my mother said a “NO”. A plain, bland “NO”. I was sad. She explained “Everyone has them. A leave will scare you for life, thinking that you cannot carry on with life when you have them”.

Well, with blood staining your clothes the ride was not really joyful. I remember having to stand up every half an hour wishing teachers a ‘Good Morning’. I remember my destiny that my 2nd day (when you are drenched in blood) would coincide with the day I had PT. I remember running 2 rounds of a very big ground so many times on my 2nd day. I bled the worst. The worst. But couldn’t even take the medicines, because of hormonal issues.

Now, cramps. Yes, those cramps where you could not stand. I remember having physics labs (where needed to stand for 2 hours straight) , right on the first day. It was painful. But after some time, I knew how to carry on with my work while uterus was killing me. Again, I could not take any painkiller or whatsoever. But, life goes on.

Now, every girl reading this, would relate perfectly. We have tolerated school, PT, attended weddings during Periods (Atleast I have), played Basketball in school in a match even if we were menstruating etc.

When we start a job in the firm, approximately we have gone through periods for 10 years. Simple mathematics: 120 cycles. Now, I know periods are worse every time. We can barely stand. Even I can’t. But we know how to carry on. In fact, we’ve been taught to carry on with our normal day to day life while on periods.

Then why the leave? We can take a personal leave once a month if we can’t even stand up that day. But it is not required every month, right! In fact some people do not even have that kind of pains (I have, so I am speaking about those who have worse kind of pain).

We surely are in a “Feminist era”. Though I have some contrasting views, but that’s for another day. Well, dear Feminist, if men had demanded a leave for their ‘Bodily functions’, I’m sure you would have protested. Nah nah, don’t deny. I know the hypocrisy in this country.

All I want to say is, we’ve been experiencing how to work without leaves while on periods. And, we can surely take a day off, if it is worse. But, we don’t require a ‘Leave’ that day. The cramps and all can drive us crazy, but please, accept the fact that, it ranges every time. Some months they are okay, some months they are worse. Why generalise and create a hype?

Menstruation Leaves

Need- No.

Want- Absolutely Yes.

— Written By

A girl who has had worst periods (with cramps) in the past and present too.

Changed

From loving to void

From caring much to “I don’t care”

From being obsessed to being lost

From crying when sad to “I don’t give a fuck”

From stiffling sobs to struggling with temper

From expecting much to not imagining anything

From expressing myself to creating a shell around me

From being confident to being scared

From being sad to being angry

From sharing my feelings to stuffing them inside

From being outspoken to being quiet

From chirping to not knowing what to say

From writing for everyone to writing for me

From being too selfless to being selfish

From seeing everyone else is happy to just confirming my smile

From talking to everyone to talking to myself

From dreaming about future to being scared of it

I changed

Due to circumstances

Due to being hurt a few times

Due to being helpless

Miss my old me to embracing the new me

The twisting journey with unforseen end

Was it for better?

Or for worse?

Stillborn Sister

Dear Stillborn Sister,

I love you.

Well, Would have loved you. Had you been alive.

I remember, how I told all my friends that you were going to come. 

I remember, how I felt bad when my mom had morning sickness and hoped you’d come soon.

But you, never.

I hadn’t seen you, but as I can remember, I wasn’t so excited about you coming. Don’t know why.

Maybe my sixth sense already told me, you weren’t going to.

Then, one eventful day, my parents told me, you were born dead.

Why, did you leave me, even after my mom felt so much pain?

We deserved you.

I do not miss you. Seriously, I do not.

Because, I’ve never seen you. I do not know how it is like to know you.

But, that day, I felt bad for my parents. I did not know what to say to my school friends who kept asking me whether I had a brother or a sister.

Days passed. Didn’t bother much.

But now it does.

When I see people around me making cards for siblings. I waited for them, I didn’t get them.

When I see siblings share their life with each other. I cannot.

When I see facebook status with siblings captioned ‘Best friend’, I wish I had you.

Not that, I want you now.

Wish, I had you then.

I do not like festivals like raksha bandhan. I would have celebrated it even with you, resolving to protect you.

But what do I do, looking at the facebook wall posts now?

Miss your presence?

Feel your absence?

Or, the easiest, just ignore.

One wise life, once said “You do not know how siblings are”

Truly. I do not know. People look at me through judging eyes, when, mistakenly I say something about their siblings.

But, I don’t know how it is to love a sibling. I do not. 

Judge me if you want. 

Yes, I am envious of people when they show off their love for their siblings on social media.

They are just showcasing their love. For me, that is show off.

Because I do not want to feel deprived of something so..

Atleast, they have someone to share their life with. I’m so so envious.

I can take care of my parents, very well. But, what if something happens to me?

Wish someone like you could.

But maybe, you’re born to someone else.

As someone else’s sister.

May they love you.